The Chicago Bulls are doing everything they can this week to be the most lovable team in basketball. Have you ever wanted to see a player punch a referee in the solar plexus and get away with it? Of course you have. Have you ever wanted that ref to be Dan Crawford? Well, watch and enjoy.

Judging by Crawford's history with the Mavericks, something tells me that Mark Cuban has been watching this video on loop for the last few hours, possibly while going through a week's supply of hand cream.

If I was an NBA ref, I'd be worried. The players are clearly becoming more sophisticated in how they seek revenge. Boozer wasn't even given a technical here. Still, I gotta admit, Crawford took the punch like a champ. Other referees haven't withstood such "accidental" blows with nearly the same level of dignity.

You may remember this gem from January, when Caron Butler took down Derek "Glass Joe" Richardson.

If I live a hundred years, I'll still find that video funny.

Refs everywhere beware. They're coming for you. Players like LeBron may cry out to you guys for protection, but who will protect the protectors? When you think of it, referees are just regular guys with whistles surrounded by giants. When things go bad, and signs are it's already happening, it's gonna take a lot more than a high pitched piece of plastic to save them.

I wasn't going to say anything. I wanted to be nice. I wanted to be considerate of his condition. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. I wanted his story to have a happy ending. I wanted to like him. But I can't take it anymore. I'm unloading on this scumbag.

I am of course referring to the Houston Rockets forward, Royce White. I'm sure everyone is fully aware that Royce suffers from severe anxiety. I would never poke fun at that. I understand how debilitating it can be to live with something like that. I understand that severe anxiety can make if difficult just to get out of bed some mornings. I know people living with it; I've seen firsthand what it can do. That being said...Screw this guy. Screw him and his dog. Screw him and his neck beard. Screw him and his closet of fedoras.

Fedora, check. Deep V, check. Inflated sense of self worth, check. 
You all saw the mini documentary that followed him on draft day. He sat there and listened to his agent name off all teams that didn't want anything to do with him. Which was literally every team who had a pick. Every team except the Houston Rockets. Houston was taking a significant risk seeing as how White's fear of flying would require special arrangements be made on his behalf. Hiring a special physician to see to White's needs. Taking a team owned charter bus to and from certain cities. Perhaps not having him in the lineup for some games due to the distance from one city to the next. Perhaps not having him in the lineup simply because he wouldn't be able to overcome his condition that particular day. Why would a franchise that is largely in the business of making money off their players, go through the trouble? But Daryl Morey and the Rockets felt he could help their team. Royce White was taken 16th overall. Hugs were given. Tears were shed. And then shortly after, backs were stabbed.

 Here is a brief rundown of events that lead to me angrily typing this piece.

  • After a lack luster showing in the NBA summer league, Royce White and the Rockets work out arrangements for him to use a team owned charter bus to travel to and from games. He is also ordered to have regular visits with a team psychiatrist to ensure his mental stability. 
  • Royce White for some reason feels the Rockets have not done enough to accommodate his needs. 
  •  Rather than voicing his displeasure in a private meeting with team officials. He takes to twitter and starts spewing hundreds of ignorant quasi rants. Shining has a beacon of stupidity for all to read.
  •  The Rockets would very much like for him to attend practice, but instead he refuses, citing unsafe working conditions. All the while, failing to meet with the team appointed doctor. 
  •  The Rockets at this junction are forced to starting issuing fines to Mr. White. 
  • After a brief impasse, Royce agrees to join the Rocket's D-league affiliate, the Rio Grande Vipers. He went on to average a whopping 9.6 points and 5.6 rebounds in 12 games. (It should be noted that even a fringe NBA talent can average over 20 and 10 a game while playing in the developmental league.)
  • White feels that he has completed his tour of duty as a Viper, and supposedly met with his doctor to discuss the next steps. At which they supposedly came to an agreement that it would be "logical" for him to join his team in Houston to get ready for next season.
  • In the world outside of Royce's mind the Rockets never called him up from the D-league. He instead chose to leave on his own whim. The Rockets ordered him back to where ever the Rio Grande Vipers play. White claims it was nothing more than a miscommunication.
Royce White needs to either hire a PR manager or fire his PR manager. Half of his douchebaggery flows from his twitter feed. Going on 140 character rants about how the Rockets front office hasn't made things "safe" for you doesn't help his cause. One can argue that the Rockets have gone out of their way to accommodate him. Mr. White has exhibited a classic case of diarrhea of the mouth. Yeah he can spout off some random facts about mental health. And he can make sweeping judgments and accusations about NBA front offices. But if he had the wisdom of a jar of mayonnaise he'd realize that trying to paint himself as some type of martyr doesn’t really work if you’re collecting over 1.6 million dollars while sitting on your ass.

rockets draft
"You guys think we'll regret taking Royce?" "Nah, we're good."
I'd like to see his contract ripped to shreds and him left to fend for himself in the real world. But knowing Royce, he'll likely hire some snake of a lawyer and then try and sue the Rockets for discrimination. He's damaged his reputation so badly, that no team would ever want to draft a player with an anxiety disorder. If fact, he's probably done more harm than good for people living with mental health issues. I'm not sure of the exact course of action the Rockets can take, but it should be clear by now that they need to wash their hands of this guy.

Houston, its trash day. And you got a big ol' bag sitting in your garage that needs to be drug out to the curb. Its name is Royce White, and it’s starting to stink. #BeWell

Was it worth it? Of course it was, assholes

Orlando/aka all non-Heat teams: The Heat played another deadly cat and mouse game Monday, this time with their interstate rivals. It was all even after the 1st quarter, but the Heat kept stretching the lead until they had defeated the Magic by 14. It was a relatively benign beating when compared to what it could've been. The Magic were without Nikola Vucevic, who was riding a streak of two 20/20 games against the Heat (not that the Magic won those games or anything).

With the Heat's winning streak at 27 games, one thing is abundantly clear: abandon all hope ye who enter here.

The Grizzlies: Aren't the Grizzlies supposed to hang their hat on defense? Well, somebody better call up the Memphis P.D. and report a stolen hat rack. That's not all that got stolen last night. John Wall made sure to abscond with the dignity of any and all defenders, as he made a mockery of the state of Tennessee with 47 points on 22 attempts, 7 rebounds, and 8 assists. Those 47 points were good for a career-high and, at least momentarily, silenced the suggestions that he's overrated.

The Nuggets: Well, somebody's streak had to be broken last night. Considering that nobody really noticed the streak they were on, the Nuggets were the logical candidate. At least, they were done in by the valiant Horny-cans. I shouldn't be so tongue-in-cheek, after all Greivis Vasquez and Eric Gordon can make for a pretty formidable backcourt. What's that you say? Neither of them were playing? Hmmm ...maybe I should be more tongue-in-cheek.

Monty Williams must be the new ol' Mike D'Antoni or something, because whoever plays PG for this team seems to accumulate some crazy assist numbers. This time it was Brian Roberts, rookie, who dished out 18 assists. This doubled Brian's previous career-high, and if he keeps it up, he might just become the first name listed when googling "Brian Roberts Rotoworld".
I am Brian Roberts ...I think

As for now, it's the 2nd baseman for the Baltimore Orioles, but dream the dream Brian Roberts #2.

The 76ers: The Jazz won for just the 4th time in 16 games, but it was enough to further screw over the Sixers (who really need no help in that department). Apparently, the 86ed'rs don't play too well when Jrue Holiday has more attempts than points and more turnovers than assists. Who would've thunk it.

The 43 losses, which the Sixers have already, are the most for the team since Eddie Jordan was staring vacantly from the sidelines. Speaking of Eddie Jordan staring vacantly from...

The Lakers: The Purple and Gold may be losing their lustrous colors in the wash, but Kobe Bryant isn't worried. Then again, Kobe Bryant is never worried (haven't you seen his commercials?). After all, this is the same guy who wasn't sweating an 0-3 hole against the Mavericks in 2011. Mike D'Antoni and David Stern, on the other hand, are probably plenty worried.

Usually when Davey presses the Stern Button something happens, but lately he's been pressing it with the desperation of a bedridden hospital patient trying to get a morphine fix, and like the hospital patient, the effects have leveled off. Sure, pressing the button can still gift the Lakers 21 free throws in the 3rd quarter, but what the hell does it matter if they're still down 19 going into the 4th.

Dwight Howard's face: Somewhere, Big Baby is chuckling, possibly with the Manimal. Dwight Howard, who's no stranger to elbowing people in the face, fouled David Lee's elbow with his soon to be swollen lip last night. He also received a technical for his troubles.

Who knew? Pumaman's Achilles' heel is irony.

And free throws, and big expectations, and playing in LA... Let's just say he's got a lot of heels for a biped. 

Cleveland: Damn.

It's not hard too see why so many Cavs fans have developed Stockholm Syndrome. LeBron has held their hopes and dreams captive for nearly a decade now. Listen to the Cleveland crowd when LBJ ties the game with a three.    Is that what hate sounds like?

Since when did hate elicit enthusiastic applause?

It's been said before, notably by the Persuaders and the Pretenders, that there is a thin line between love and hate. Was it really so long ago that his jerseys were ablaze, their smoke coalescing above Lake Eerie? I guess in this accelerated age, it was.

As per usual, the siren song of hope arises from the sea of despair, perpetually luring susceptible Clevelanders to have their hearts torn apart on the rocky shores of sports fandom. Kyrie Irving is out (probably for the rest of the season) most of the top Cavaliers aren't playing, the scoreboard's malfunctioning, and the season is shot.

So what's a fan to do? It's human nature to be drawn to the fantastic grandeur of dominance. A sinking team might play on our sympathies, but nothing attracts fanfare like success. For better or worse, we're all witnessing some serious shit now; a historic winning streak, a ring, constant statistical dominance—we're through the looking glass. We're in the future, helplessly watching it unfold on a flickering television screen. The Heat burn incandescently; the lights grow brighter; spectators journey to the glowing hillside. All the while, the Cavs shrink into shadows, and the world's eyes flutter away like insect wings seeking light in darkness.

Speaking of moths to a flame, I think this one might've singed his brain.

How long can anger satisfy? Sooner or later, a hated athlete returns to what he's always been: an entertainer—a boredom killer—a beacon to attract our gaze. The rules haven't changed much since Colosseum days. If a performer plays the game well enough, the spectators might willingly forgo pleading for his head on a platter....    at least til 2014. 

Cloudy skies ahead

PHILADELPHIA (BP) -- In a move that has shocked NBA insiders, Andrew Douglas Bynum has personally sought out the grave of Adrian Balboa, beloved matriarch of the city of Philadelphia, and taken a long hot steaming piss on it.

Bynum had already been appearing in an inordinate amount of headlines for a guy who hasn't played a single game this season. Earlier this year, there were allegations of bar brawling and Philadelphia DA Seth Williams has suggested that Bynum be charged with fraud. This recent news of grave desecration is particularly ill-timed, coming as it does on the heals of the announcement that he's having season ending knee surgery.

Adrian Balboa passed away from cancer in 2002. She was survived by her husband Rocky and her son Rocky Jr. and was fondly remembered in the city of Philadelphia. Rocky Balboa was unavailable for comment, due to being a fictional character, but Talia Shire had this to say. 
I was aware of the possibility of Adrian being in it and dying, but my being in the movie or not was not as interesting as how Sylvester was going to achieve this. Ultimately, I was wondering how in the world was he going to justify Rocky getting back into the ring.
Bynum has made over 16 million dollars this season and debuted several new hairdos. In the moments leading up to the grave pissing, he was spotted at several bars around town talking about which cities he'll play in next year and what a hack Bernard Hopkins is.

Apparently, in a particularly disrespectful gesture, Bynum had been sticking mainly to light beer so he'd have a full tank once he reached the grave. The technique may have delayed the onset of his inebriation, but it paid dividends once he arrived at the modest plot on the hillside.
It was a good piss (Bynum said at a press conference held at the cemetery gate). I drunk about 10 beers tonight and haven't taken a leak since starting drinking. I was really able to get in a zone and take my time up there. All in all, I soaked the ground she's buried under pretty thoroughly.
At press time, flourishing former Sixers draft picks Andre Iguodala, Mo Harkless, and Nikola Vucevic were all unavailable, due to having been traded to make room for Bynum.   

In a continuation from last week's piece on possible Western Conference Finals match ups, I'll be looking at which teams could possibly overthrow the Miami Heat in the Eastern Conference Finals. As of late, the Heattles have been plowing through the league only slowing down to toy with their food. (Sorry Orlando. But you knew you really never stood a chance.) Lebron has cranked it up to level 10, and then broke off the knob. He'll likely win his fourth MVP, and as the case for the past 3 years, the only person capable of slowing him him.

Sir Douche
 Pictured: Heat season ticket holders

As I wrote a few months ago, I've been intrigued with the New York Knickerbockers. Like many franchises, everything starts with their superstar. Carmelo Anthony is still having an MVP caliber season. Tyson Chandler continues to do his jumping, dunking, yelling thing. And Amare Stoudemire hasn't ruined any cohesion that was present upon his return to the lineup. With the return of Raymond Felton, the Lord has answered Jason Kidd's prayers. He was literally dying out there playing starter's minutes. His old bones couldn't take it. A few more games and I was about to contact the center for elder abuse. Speaking of Raymond Felton. I think I've finally come to a conclusion on him. He's not very good at basketball. Felton is just really, really, really, REALLY lucky. Seriously, the next time you see a Knicks game, pay attention to Felton. Nothing he does is calculated. When he breaks down the defense, he's almost always stumbling head first with a wild, high, handle. It’s funny, because at times he'll make a move with his head and neck. But his feet are stumbling behind trying to match it. Sometimes I swear his eyes are closed. Raymond Felton; Basketball's Forrest Gump.

Don't question it Knicks fans. Just roll with it. 

The Knicks take and make more three pointers than any other team in the NBA. Because they're so good at stretching the floor, it gives Carmelo more room to operate. And when playing at the power forward there really isn't anyone who can stop him. When the double team comes, it leaves a shooter open. Almost a symbiotic relationship between Carmelo's offense and the rest of the team's offense. It’s a pretty neat trick that most teams can't pull off because they don't have a dynamic enough offensive player or they don't have the shooters. JR Smith, while still a bonehead, has placed his hat in the ring for 6th man of the year candidate. He's also done a pretty good job of spelling Melo when he has been out of the lineup for various reasons this year. Because Amare is coming off the bench, his numbers are way down. But he's been very efficient. Shooting 70% on shots 5-9 ft from the hoop and shooting 57% overall from the floor. (EDIT: I read over the weekend that Amare may be out for the remainder of the season. We shall see how well he can contribute come playoff time.)

When it comes the Miami Heat, the Knicks have beaten them two out of three times. The first two were twenty point blowouts in favor of New York. The last game Miami managed to steal after being down 16 points. The Knicks are the poster children for the term "Live by the Three, Die by the Three". If you look at Steve Novak, he made 5 threes in the first game against Miami, and then 4 the next. For a total of 17 and 18 points respectively. In last Sunday's loss, he made zero threes and had zero points. In Last year’s playoffs, Miami made sure that Novak was a non factor. Simply put, the Knicks need Steve Novak to play a major role if they hope to beat Miami in the playoffs and keep Spike Lee from killing himself. The Knicks can beat any team on any given night. They just have to remain disciplined. When the ball starts sticking in Melo, JR, and Felton’s hands, it’s pretty much a guaranteed loss for New York.

Okay, let us pretend that the Indiana Pacers didn't get run out of the gym the other day and Lebron barely had to try. Let us pretend that they didn't somehow make Mario Chalmers the best player on the floor. And let us pretend that Erik Spoelstra didn't make Frank Vogel look like it was 2011 and he was an intern head coach all over again. Other than last Sunday's South Beach slaying, the Pacers are quite the challenge for LBJ and co.

The Pacer's stingy defense is ranked number 1 in the league. They give up the least amount of threes and their paint is manned by the towering Roy Hibbert and the surly veteran, David West. They've even managed to save Lance (I look just like Shawn Kemp) Stephenson from turning into Sebastian Telfair 2.0. I was worried about the guy at first. His only notable marks on the 2011-2012 season was for making the choking sign at the Heat players, and then getting his head caved in by...what's his face...his thighs used to rub together when he was in college I think...Dexter Pittman, yeah. Yes, Stephenson is proving to be a nice addition to the starting lineup. He's averaging 8.5 ppg and has a three pointer that has to be respected. The offense features rising star, Paul George. He's upped his per game average to 17.6 points a contest. By the way, Paul George reminds me of a rich man's Rudy Gay. For example, Gay averaged 18.9 points 5.5 rebounds, and 1.7 assist in his 3rd season. George is putting up 17.6, 7.8, and 4.0. Gay shot a better percentage from the floor, but I'll blame George's 42% on him not being used to the increased scoring load. Either way, he's second on the seam in rebounding and displays unselfishness with the basketball that I'm sure makes him popular amongst his teammates.

As we can see, Danny has learned rule 43 of the NBA. Go for the nipples. 

The Pacers bench features rough and tumble guys like Tyler Hansbrough, Ian Mahinmi, and Sam Young. This is good because pretty boy Augustin seems adverse to doing anything that would be could even be construed as defense. I guess I can't be too harsh on him, he did come from Charlotte. Playing defense was thought to be a form of black magic. Yup, the Pacers are playing so well this season they almost made you forget about Danny Granger. The NBA's toughest soft guy/softest tough guy has been out most of the season with patellar tendinosis. I'm sure all year he's been stewing in his own rage looking at Lebron highlights on ESPN. If these two teams meet in the playoffs it'll be funny to see a gimpy Granger hobble around the court as he desperately tries to flagrantly foul Lebron.

I like to think of the rivalry between Bron and I as a modern day Magic and Bird.
David West, an actual NBA tough guy; has been fantastic in the three games vs the Heat. He's being guarded by Bosh, who's never been known as a banger or a defender. And Shane Battier; who just two years ago was playing shooting guard. Now he's fighting in the trenches against 6'10" post players. (Other than Lebron is there anyone on that team who's earned every penny of his paycheck the way Battier has?) Indiana's only true center, Roy Hibbert, has been less than dominant. If I'm a Pacer fan, I'd want him to start asserting himself more offensively. Haslem, Bosh, and Birdman shouldn't be able to stop him from scoring 18-20 a game. The Pacer offense isn't really geared around getting Hibbert shots, but against Miami, Vogel should take advantage of the size mismatch.

When Miami makes threes, they’re simply on a different level than most teams. As I mentioned before, the Pacers allow the fewest amount of three's per game. Ray Allen didn't make any in the first two meetings and in the last game, he went 1 of 4. Unfortunately for Pacers, Mario Chalmers made 5 threes. There zone defense is good enough to make Lebron work but Dwayne Wade seems to do pretty much as he likes. Indiana has the tools but they’ve got to make Miami play their style of basketball.

I gotta warn you about the following footage. Some viewers may be alarmed by the lack of actual violence. As draconian as the NBA can seem, Stephen Jackson and Ron Artest can pummel the fans and the phrase "banned for life" doesn't come up.

When you hear the headlines, "Renaldo Balkman banned for life for choking teammate", it's natural to picture bulging eye balls, frantic attempts to pry off Balkman, and screams of terror from the audience. This video lacks all of these things. In actuality, it probably only contains about a second of actual strangling.

You might know Balkman's former team, the Petron Blaze Boosters, better by its previous name, the Magnolia Beverage Masters. It's also possible you know them as the San Miguel Beermen. Fans of the team often divide the team's chronology into two distinct periods: BRT (Before Ronald Tubid) and ART (After Ronald Tubid). "The Fearless" Ronald Tubid may only have been with the team for a couple years, but that was several names ago and therefore it feels like more time has passed. Fortunately for him, Renaldo didn't pick a fight with Ronald Tubid, otherwise he would've been doubtlessly split in half with a blow like a lumberjack's axe.

The teammate Balkman strangled has been with the team since the Beermen days. Arwind Santos was acquired from the Burger King in exchange for Marc Pingris, Ken Bono, and future draft picks.  

Chito Salud impressed even his American counterpart, the Dark Emperor Stern, with his iron fist. In part, the harshness of this penalty could stem from the love fans have for Arwind Santos. Santos was a member of the mythical five, which tragically hasn't been the subject of a movie yet—or at least made the title for an unrelated movie.

It's sad how despite his cool nickname, Arwind 'Spiderman' Santos is best known amongst NBA fans as the guy Balkman choked. So without further ado, an Arwind Santos Mix Tape:

I hope one day we can think of Arwind 'Spiderman' Santos and not have our thoughts immediately leap to Balkman's steely fingers closing around his neck.

The Bobcats put D-Will in perspective

The Bobcats: Ah, Charlotte, Charlotte with your dependable ol' young Bobcats, a team that will never let you down, if what you're looking for is to be let down. Charlotte of the single playoff visit, Charlotte where greatness comes to age and watch youth never come of age—it is you Charlotte who gives hope to the weary, who cradles the wounded team's hopes close to your heart, who lays down low these dreams that are their own, so that other teams and their dreams may prosper.

When a team is down 25 in New Orleans, your name is whispered in "remember when's", when the Nets have lost two in a row, you let them know... that they can win again.

The sweetness of your mercy forgives your opponent for having fewer assists than turnovers. You can commit half their turnovers and still lose, because your shots are like turnovers. You only grab 6 offensive rebounds and let your opponent grab 43 defensive, because your shots are like turnovers. You rely on jumpshots from Kemba Walker, Gerald Henderson, and Ben Gordon, and lose at home by 21 points, because each time you shoot the ball, chances are, it's a turnover.

Oh Charlotte, Charlotte of the Charlotteans, you deserve more than these charlatans; Charlotte known as the Queen City—you deserve more than these mewling, stinky kitties.

Phoenix: The desert is not a forgiving place. Since their inception in 1968, a year of nation wide rioting and MLK and RFK's assassinations, the Suns have reached the finals twice but never won. In his book Giant Steps, Kareem writes about anticipating racist heckling whenever the Bucks would visit the Suns. Am I suggesting that the entire Suns franchise is cursed because a few bad apples were offensive towards Kareem Abdul Jabbar some 40 odd years ago, therefore ruining everything forever for an entire state and its legions of enthusiastic, dedicated basketball fans? Yes. Yes, I am.

Or it could just be that they're relying on Goran Dragic to be "the man". Either way, the Suns remain in the race to be the worst team out West this year. Meanwhile, Kareem never mentioned anything about being hassled in Toronto. The Raptors relied on a balanced scoring attack to overwhelm the sub-par Suns.

My advice to Suns fans. Listen to Isaac Hayes and love one another. With the way the Suns are playing right now, you can't expect them to entertain you; and at least when you love one another, you got a real chance at an actual "satisfaction guaranteed" night.

The Pistons: They've all left now: Tay, Chauncey, Sheed, Ben, and Rip. Against the Knicks their starting 5 was Jason Maxiell, Jonas Jerebko, Kyle Singler, Brandon Knight, and Jose Calderon. The well oiled machine that dominated the Eastern Conference has been replaced by a shoddy casing full of used pinball machine parts.

To their credit, the starting 5 of used pinball machine parts did score 66 points. The problem was, with so many reserves starting, that left very little scrap metal left to come off the bench, which is why the final score was 87-77, Knicks... Although, that doesn't explain why the score wasn't 117-77 Knicks.

*Carmelo missed the game with a sore knee.

The Bulls: The Bulls put a novel wrinkle in yesterday's games, when unlike the Pistons, Cats or Suns, they opted to get their asses kicked on someone else's floor. The floor in question is by the Alamo, or where the Alamo used to be... I can't remember. It's also the floor where Tony Parker used to be, and teams would be wise to remember it's the floor where Tim Duncan still is. That means no weak stuff, and Timmy let the Bulls know with 5 blocks. Noah absorbed the worst of it, with 3 blocked attempts on 4 of 13 shooting.

The Bucks: Chances are, if a you were a midwestern team last night, you were losing. The Bucks were no exception. The entire division played on Wednesday, with a Cleveland victory over Utah being the lone bright spot.

Milwaukee played reasonably well. The Broped cruised to a combined 40 points and 18 assists, while Ilyasova hit some threes and threw in 20 points. The problem was they were playing the Clippers, who simply demonstrated their superiority and then pointed to the exit.

The Horny Cans: Did the other, other LA team demonstrate their superiority in New Orleans? Well, for a quarter they did, but since that quarter was the 4th, and the demonstration was a 33-9 quarter, it all worked out for the Purple and Gold. This latest resurrection surpassed the time the Lakers rallied from a 20 point hole against the Bald-cats and became LA's biggest comeback of the season.

I'll let the images of carnage and destruction speak for themselves.

Check around the 2 minute mark for a play where the Lakers fool the Hornets into guarding the wrong basket.

If anyone wanted to make it, an even longer video montage could be constructed of all the times New Orleans pissed the ball away down the stretch. The Hornets reached 102 points with about 7 minutes left, but were then held scoreless for the remainder of the game.

Ah Bartleby! Ah Humanity!

Hawks-76ers: Royal Ivey had one of the bawfulest night's of the whole year—weighing in with 3 misses, 2 turnovers, and 5 fouls for a perfect 10 suck differential in 12:51. Mike Scott left a simple, statless 1:01.
Nets-Bobcats: Tomike Shengelia committed a turnover in a minute and 53 seconds for a +1 suck differential. Jeffery Taylor replied for the Bobcats with a +2 suck differential.
Lakers-Hornets: Robert Sacre blew into the Big Easy with a +3 suck differential in 4:28.
Grizzlier-Blazers: Dexter Pittman missed two free throws in 3:28 for a +2 suck differential.
Spurs-Bulls: Daequan Cook missed 3 shots in 6 and a half minutes for a +3 suck.
Warriors-Kings: Biedrins faded into a 2 trillion.

The magic of J.R. Smith made me forget all about Serge whacking Blake in the nuts. My bad, everyone. My bad. Here's a video in case you wanna see a guy getting hit in the nuts, and who doesn't?

The league chose not to suspend Ibaka, instead fining him $25,000. In contrast, after a very similar play earlier this season, the NBA suspended DeMarcus Cousins a game without pay. Dividing the Boogieman's yearly salary by 82 yields $47,326 and 83 cents. I'm not sure if this is the formula the NBA would use, but if it is I think it's obvious that they consider O.J. Mayo's huevos to be twice as valuable as Mr. Griffin's.

Some might speculate that this difference in punishment was do to the different reputations of the assailants. However, the NBA has made it clear, as explained in their rationale for giving Kobe and Noah different fines for using the same slur, that the fine for a transgression is determined by the victim, not the transgressor.

Theories vary for why the NBA would put a lower price on the family jewels of their more marketable player. and the matter is further confused by David Stern attaching an even higher value to the groin of Ramon Sessions.

By getting in the way of Wade's foot, the current Bobcat's groin cost Pookie an estimated $209,536 and 59 cents. In other words, each one of Ramon's gonads is worth approximately 4 times both of Blake's high flying pair.

In a televised interview conducted with esteemed members of the press and several members of congress, Blake Griffin's nuts had this to say.
More Coconut Oil!
When informed there was none available, Blake Griffin's scrotum ran amok and killed three pedestrians in downtown Los Angeles. Fortunately for the murderous scrotum, given the amount of pedestrians mowed down daily by LA's public buses, nobody really took notice.
Can you ever have too much?

Stranger still, the NBA seems to think neither Steve Nash or Chris Paul's testes are worth diddly squat. Although it's worth noting, the NBA deemed pretty much anything Bowen ever kicked or kneed to be worthless. That especially goes for Wally Szczerbiak's face.

In summary, when financially appraising the carnal kernels of NBA players, the league votes Ramon Sessions > O.J. Mayo > Blake Griffin > Chris Paul. 


Well, at least we're not watching the damn Bobcats

The Bobcats: Did those first three weeks of November ever really happen? It's becoming increasingly difficult to imagine this team ever having a winning record. It was an even rougher weekend than usual for the Bobcats, as they showed the world just what being the worst team in the NBA is all about.

The previous low for a Jazz opponent had been 76, set by the previously worst in the league Washington Wizards. The Bobcats shaved 8 points off of that total, all while handing out career-highs to Jazz players like it was some sort of promotional gimmick. Enes Kanter set new bars for himself in both scoring and rebounding, while DeMarre LaEdrick Carroll limited himself to a career-high in points. Both of Utah's top scorers, Big Al and Big Paul Millsap, sat out with sprained left ankles. Normally this might be a problem for a team, but normally a team isn't playing the Bobcats.

Maybe if Charlotte had been able to shoot over 34% or grab more than 24 rebounds (only 2 more than Kanter), the Pussies wouldn't have taken a 30 point pummeling. We may never know for sure.

Cleveland: The AP headline for this game was: Clippers clobber Cavaliers 105-89. I'm not sure if a 16 point victory really qualifies for a clobbering. It seems more likely that the Associated Press just couldn't resist a little alliteration, or the word clobber for that matter, and who can blame them. Certainly not me, I try to use the word clobber at least once a day, often with far less of an excuse. It's not the first time the Clippers have clobbered a team this week. As reported by the Charlotte Observer, the Cats were on the wrong end of an even less close Clipper clobbering last Tuesday. So in honor of alliteration, and the letters C and L, for the rest of the season whenever the Clippers kick somebody's ass, I will find a new word starting with those two letters to describe it.

Switzerland: In all honesty, Thabo Sefolosha defended Ty Lawson's game winner about as well as anyone can reasonably expect, but I needed some excuse to show this video.

Plus, a lot of those Swiss Alps are unreasonably tall.

Derek and the Damn-I'm-Olds: There have been some requests in the comments section recently for a Derek Fisher WotN, and while I usually only do requests for Lady in Red, I decided to make an exception. Fisher narrowly missed out on the lacktion section against the Nuggets by dishing out an assist, but his presence in OKC reminds me of something, namely, the 2012 finals.  

Despite the Thunder being arguably a worse team than they were last year, I had a theory that they'd be able to match up better against the Heat if there's a rematch of last year's finals. This theory was based on two factors: that Scott Brooks wouldn't be able to turn Harden into a liability by having him guard LeBron for some reason, and that Derek Fisher wouldn't be there to eat up 25.6 minutes a game.   

It's too early to predict whether this will happen again, but I'm telling you all right now, if Scottie Brooks decides that Fisher is his "LeBron stopper", I'll never watch another Thunder finals game.

The Nets: This weekend could've been big for the Nets, instead they dropped two in a row, with the first one being a home loss to the Mavericks. Deron Williams led the way with 24 points, but he also committed a raised eyebrow inducing 7 turnovers to go along with his 2 assists.

The Paupers of Purpilitude: The Kings learned the hard way that a 24 point victory over the Magic doesn't buy a victory over the Spurs in the next game. In fact, the Kings pulled off a 52 point swing between the two games, losing to San Antonio by 28. While that might impress the bookies, it didn't carve a smile into the lonely lunar surface of of Gregg Popovich's face. That could be because Pop is medically incapable of curling his lips upward, or maybe it's because Tony Parker is out for a month with a sprained ankle. ...N'ah, it's probably the medical thing.

Chuck Hayes: Manu Ginobili dished out a career-high 15 assists in about 20 minutes off the bench. Chuck Hayes is probably wishing that he would've just tied his previous high of 14.

Hayes shouldn't feel too bad, though. Ginobili loves to pass to DeJuan Blair through people's legs.

Pacers-Raptors: Landry Fields came within a second of a two trillion, which is amazingly economical considering he's only getting 6 million dollars this year.
Rockets-Magic: Doron Lamb marinated in a +4 suck differential for 6 minutes and 12 seconds.
Clippers-Cavs: Willie Green thumbed through a +2 suck differential in 4 minutes and 19 seconds.
Celtics-Warriors: Count Bazemore is back to lording over the lacktion section, combining a 35 second Mario and a +1 suck differential.
Mavericks-Nets: MarShon Brooks continued to stare angrily at Joe Johnson all the way through a +3 suck differential in 2 minutes and 48 seconds.
Heat-Grizzlies: Joel Anthony materialized for 22 seconds against the Griz.
Jazz-Bobcats: Brendan Haywood went for a sweet 2 trillion in a loss to the Jazz. 
Suns-Hawks: Dahntay Jones continued to light it up for the Hawks with a +2 suck differential in 7 minutes and 4 seconds, while the lights were turned out on Michael Beasley after his +3 suck differential in 7 minutes and 45 seconds.
Nuggets-Thunder: We might have to come up with a new lacktion statistic for Timofey Mozgov. The big man checked in for 0.2 seconds in order to distract a futile inbounds attempt.


Luke Ridnour remains the Pups' one constant

The T-Pups: It just keeps on going... Now, Pekovic is out (again) with abdominal pains. Kirilenko is out for "a while" according to Adelman, and Kevin Love won't be reappearing until at least the Ides of March (luck). If nothing else, Minnesota is providing a valuable boost in morale to their opponents. After losing 7 straight recently, some Trail Blazers have been fighting the urge to become despondent, and a visit from the Wolves gave them a much needed shot in the arm. The double-digit victory was Portland's first of its kind in over a month.

Trivia Question of the Day: Who the hell is coaching the Trail Blazers? If you can answer this question without looking it up, I'll sing your praises in the next WotN. Don't feel bad if you can't, even if you live in Portland. I'm pretty sure that most Blazers don't even know.

The Nyets: This time Deron Williams managed a positive assist to turnover ratio, but I can't say as much for the rest of the team. Reggie Evans, who I wasn't aware was allowed to touch the ball outside of rebounding, turned the ball over 4 times in under 20 minutes, which may explain why he played less than 20 minutes despite his obligatory 10 boards. 

Spencer Hawes: There were only 4 games on Saturday and two of them were close, so now I turn my attention to individual perfomances. The Sixers gave Hawes the start against Golden State, and he repaid them with a 6:4 Voskuhl. Considering that he also missed all 9 of his shots, the Voskuhl was arguably the best aspect of his evening.

The Warriors: The Sixers actually won despite Spencer Hawes and his flaming bag of statistical shit.

Kris Humphries: Speaking about flaming bags of... You can read all about the former Mr. Kardashian's latest exploits in the lacktion section. At this point, it's hard to think of a player that offers a worse production to fame ratio.

Consistency: A day after his season-low in minutes, Landry Fields had his season-high. The 45 minute gulf is the largest I've ever seen between two games. Rudy Gaye sat out Saturday's contest due to back pain, making this statistical anomaly possible .

Bucks-Raptors: Terrence Ross showed off his laser like precision, hitting a 5 trillion on the nose.
Sixers-Warriors: Richard Jefferson had a far sloppier 3 trillion, while Draymond Green turned in a +3 suck differential in 7:35.
Nets-Bulls: Kris Humphries set a new personal low, well sorta, with his +2 suck differential in 2:16. Meanwhile, Nazr Mohammed heated up a nice steaming pile of 3:2 Voskuhl.

J.R. Smith: Paragon of Professionalism

The Knicks: J.R. Smith just makes it so damn easy sometimes. Most athletes would've figured that shooting 3 of 14 from downtown and committing a critical turnover was enough bawful for one day. Not J.R. though, he's far too special for that. As you can see from the text above, TheRealJRSmith bestowed upon us yet another priceless internet age moment, offering up some spiteful cunnilingus to an elderly woman. What can I say? I'm truly amazed and grateful. After the biggest ass in the world tweet and the offering a high school girl some dick tweet, most athletes would not have courted further controversy on their Twitter accounts, but as I've said: J.R. Smith is not just any athlete. He's the golden goose that just keeps on laying priceless, bejeweled eggs. Here's to you, TheRealJRSmith. Keep 'em coming.

The Magic: The Magic can take cold comfort in their 26 point ass-drubbing being only the 4th worst loss of the day. Even so, the Grizzlies bested them in all statistical categories except free throws. Perhaps the refs were feeling a bit queasy having to watch such a beating.

The Mavericks: Dallas can take icy cold comfort in their 33 point ass-flogging being only the 3rd worst loss of the day. Most of the carnage came in the 3rd quarter, in which the Mavericks were somehow outscored by 27 points. Unlike the Magic, the Mavericks didn't even have an advantage at the free throw line. The only statistical advantage they had was in blocked shots. Oddly enough, the Rockets didn't block a single shot. They didn't need to.

The Bobcats: The Bobcats can take desolate-winds-of-Antarctica-cold comfort in their 36 point steel-toed-boot-ass-thrashing being only the 2nd worst loss of the day. The worst team of the East met the worst team of the West, and the Kings showed that they might as well be in two different leagues. The Bobcats enjoyed no statistical advantages, not a one. The worst disparity was on the glass, where the Paupers pounded the Pussies 60-31. That's not a typo, the Kings really did grab 29 more rebounds. 

Sweep the leg, sweep the leg!!!

The Pistons: The Pistons can take no comfort in their 39 point ass (the FCC has censored the following description after it made two kids in Missouri go blind) to the Spurs. Kelvin Zero is too warm a brand of comfort for them. No Tony Parker? No problem. The Spurs ran Pop's offense to perfection, while the Pistons stayed stalled at 75 points. This was one of those wall to wall ass (the FCC is doing this for your own good) where every player on the victorious team had a positive Lenovo and vice versa.

Jose Calderon still hasn't found most of his teeth.

Wizards-76ers: Garrett Temple found no solace in the life of a trillionaire.
Rockets-Mavericks: Bernard James spend 8 minutes and 34 seconds on the floor for Dallas, resulting in a +4 suck differential. 
Pacers-Bulls: Danny Granger and his knees got a doctor's note to excuse their +4 suck differential in 8 minutes and change. Sam Young wasn't so lucky with his 5 trillion. Orlando Johnson's +1 suck differential completed a busy day for the Pacers in the lacktion section.
Lakers-Hawks: Dahntay Jones had a 2 second Super Mario. Still, I bet he wouldn't change places with Josh Smith for all the kush in Snoop's house.

Maybe we should have thought this one through

And just when things were going so well...