This actually just happened, no exaggeration.It's true. According to one report: "Dwyane Wade briefly left Monday's win over Washington with what the Heat called a hang nail. He returned wearing tape on his left wrist and could not get into any kind of rhythm early on in the game."
After Dwyane Wade airballed a dunk attempt (hereafter known as "pulling a Joel Anthony"), the Miami announcers came back with this gem. "That hangnail is really bothering him".
I've been laughing for the past 2 minutes. Bawful in it's purest form right there.
Do not pull at or bite off a hangnail. This may cause the skin to rip.Sadly, I don't have video of Wade's blown dunk. I do have this tho':
Clip off the hangnail neatly with sharp, clean cuticle scissors.
Massage hand lotion or cream into your cuticles 2 to 3 times each day.
STOP BEING A DAMN VAGINA!!
Mavericks coach Rick Carlisle wasn't calling plays during the third-quarter stretch. All of Butler's points came in what the Mavs call a "flow" offense.The Milwaukee Bucks: Ugh. The Deer were without Andy Bogut (sore back), Drew Gooden (foot), Corey Maggette (flu-like symptoms!) and Carlos Delfino (birthing a human-alien hybrid from his stomach). As a result, the biggest deficit the Jazz had to overcome in this one was two points. They did, however, build a 24 point lead before kicking back and cruising in for a 109-88 win.
"When a guy gets going, our guys do a good job of finding him," Carlisle said. "We aren't doing a lot of play-calling right now."
Generals-Heat: Looks like Eddie House will get to have fun time in South Beach, after collecting 1.7 trillion in play money (1:43)!
Rockets-Mavs: Ishmael Smith smoothed out trans-Texas relations by giving the ball away to Dallas once in 7:34 for a +1 suck differential.
Brian Cardinal bricked once from Fountain Place in 6:28 and also took a foul for a +2.
Bucks-Jazz: Kyrylo Fesenko improvised a foul in 5:45 for a +1 and a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl.
This week has been one of the greatest anti-clutch free throw weeks ever. Bawful could run a "bricked free throws" feature and have plenty of material. I know of five games where bricked FT with under 2 minutes left changed the complexion of the game, and the bricking team went on to lose all five.The City of Los Angels: L.A. went 0-4 this weekend. The Lakers choked away a 19-point lead in a 102-96 loss to the Jazz in Utah before falling into a 15-point hole at home against the Pacers before losing 95-92. Mind you, Indy had lost 11 straight regular-season games to the Lakers on the road since its last win on February 14, 1999, shortly before Staples Center opened.
We had Trevor Ariza for the Hornets against the Clippers on Monday, down 2 with 21 seconds left and clanking both ft.
Then there was Evan Turner for Philly on Tuesday, with a 3 point lead and 8 seconds left against the Wiz, bricking both FT, which left the game close enough for John Wall to send it to OT.
On Wednesday, Jason Richardson hit 1 of 2 with 5 seconds left in the first OT, leaving his Suns with only a 2 point lead. This allowed Derrick Rose to send it to 2OT (with an easy 2 rather than a difficult 3), where the Bulls ran away with it.
Today is Friday, and John Lucas III got 2 FT with 12 seconds left and a 1 point lead against the Nuggets. He bricked both. Then Melo missed a potential go-ahead bucket with 4 seconds left, but 3 Bulls combined to lose the rebound out of bounds, which let Melo hit the game winner at the buzzer.
Also today, Darren Collison and Brandon Rush each bricked a FT with under 2 minutes to go in OT, in a game that was tied at 102 with the Thunder. Those 2 points would've been nice to have when it was 106-103 and the Pacers had possession with under 24 seconds left. A one point game with a chance to win at the buzzer is very different from a 3 point game where you're taking a tough shot just to tie, and a miss and ft at the other end leave you down 5.
The Heat are 0-4 on the road against opponents with winning records.The bottom line is: Dallas put Miami into a 19-point hole. The Heat almost climbed out, but almost only counts in horseshoes and Stan Van Gundy fitting into his pants.
Miami's Big 3 combined for 67 of the Heat's 95 points as they each scored 20-plus for the second time this season. However, they also combined for 13 of the Heat's 15 turnovers.
The Mavericks outscored the Heat 48-26 in the paint. Coming into the game, the Mavericks were the only team in the NBA averaging fewer points per game in the paint than the Heat.
The Heat are 2-7 against teams with a .500 record or better this season and have dropped four straight road games.
When things don’t go well for the Heat, there's one guarantee: James will never take responsibility. Here’s a man who quit in the middle of Game 5 to the Celtics a season ago, stopped playing in a conference semifinal and still wanted Brown and his supporting cast blamed like in the past. Here's a man who needed Nike to make some kind of half-baked commercial apology that only came within the context of pushing his shoes. James knows only how to be about James, and he'll sacrifice anyone to protect himself.It's true. And now, LeBron doesn't have anywhere to hide. Before, he could hide behind a historically bawful franchise and "bad" teammates. Now he has to explain why he -- last season's ordained Best Basketball Player in the World -- can't win with D-Wade and Chris Bosh backing him up. This isn't the easy way out he had in mind. Which makes this a perfect time to run Michael Jordan's supposed "response" to LeBron (which is in reality just a commercial mashup...but totally on the money):
Rockets-Bobcats: Jared Jeffries jacked apart a treasure chest for a 1.25 trillion (1:15).
For Charlotte, Sherron Collins brought home a Castlevania cartridge to His Airness in just 24 seconds for a Mario, while THE Kwame Brown provided the man who picked him #1 overall with four bricks (twice from the charity stripe) in 6:08 for a +4 suck differential!!!
Raptors-Celtics: Von Wafer can now afford the toll in the Ted Williams Tunnel after a 2.2 trillion (2:13)!
Bucks-Pistons: Yep. KNEE-MAC gave the Motor City a mediocre +1 in 6:09 via brick. I think my work is done here.
...but I can't stop keeping track of lacktivity, so on we go...
Sixers-Heat: Philly's Andres Nocioni notched three bricks in 7:20 (twice from Biscayne Boulevard) and a foul and giveaway each for a +5!
Thunder-Pacers: Nick Collison smashed into the ledger a bit tonight by countering two boards in 9:25 with 3 bricks and 4 fouls for a 4:2 Voskuhl. BJ Mullens mired himself in two fouls and a turnover in 5:03 for a +3 and a 3:0 Voskuhl, and Royal Ivey was declared King Koopa after just 8 seconds in a SUPER MARIO!
Lakers-Jazz: Derrick Caracter once again revealed his true colors with a one-foul +1 and 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl in 3:06.
Warriors-Grizzlies: Despite an assist in 7:54, Dan Gadzuric returns to the world of Voskuhl ratios with a 4:0 via two fouls and two giveaways; fellow Warrio Charlie Bell barely rang up a Mario in 59 seconds which included a brick from the Peabody Motel.
Hornets-Blazers: Luke Babbitt bricked once from the US Bancorp Tower in 1:16 for a +1.
Hawks-Knicks: Andy Rautins will now be able to put a deposit on some MSG seats after a 1.85 trillion (1:52).
Warriors-Wolves: Rodney Carney raised up a pair of bricks (once from the Mary Tyler Moore statue) in 6:49 for a +2, while Kosta Koufos lost the rock once and tossed up his own piece of masonry in 1:54 for a +2 and a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl.
Heat-Mavs: In the Highly Unanticipated Rematch of the 2006 Association Finals, Brian Cardinal flew into 8-bit territory with a 2-second Super Mario! Also lacking it up for Dallas was Ian Mahinmi, who fouled and lost the rock once each for a +2 in 3:28, and a 2:0 Voskuhl.
Brendan Haywood put Mark Cuban's team on the ledger a third time (appropriate, as the South Beach Three incurred ANOTHER loss) by countering two boards in 7:58 with four fouls for a 4:2 Voskuhl.
Bobcats-Bucks: Sherron Collins took a rejection as well as a brick (from downtown Milwaukee) in 3:03 for a +2, while fellow Air Jordan purveyor Derrick Brown also bricked once from (downtown) and fouled twice for a +3 in 5:34.
For Wisconsin's team, Earl Boykins turned on his NES for 38 seconds for a Mario.
Bulls-Kings: Omer Asik banished an assist away in 9:04 with two fouls for a 2:1 Voskuhl.
Bobcats-Bucks: Sherron Collins took a rejection as well as a brick from the Pabst Theater in 3:03 for a +2, while fellow Air Jordan purveyor Derrick Brown also bricked once from Schlitz Park and fouled twice for a +3 in 5:34.
Knicks-Pistons: Timofey Mozgov made the most of another appearance for Mike D'Antoni, downing a pair of boards in 8:22 with a brick, three fouls, and three turnovers for a 6:2 Voskuhl. Roger Mason Jr. joined the ledger with a brick from the Ren Center in 8:10 for a +1.
Jazz-Clippers: Jarron Collins constructed a Voskuhl ratio of 5:1 in a 13:35 stint by negating a board with four fouls and a turnover.
Frail Blazers-Nyets: Luke Babbitt bobbled a brick in 2:35 for a +1.
Pacers-Lakers: Derrick Caracter coined 2.4 trillion (2:24) in pure gold!
"Shaq is paradise," said Garnett. "You ever wash your sheets and then set them out to dry in the sun? You ever smell those sheets when they're done? That's what Shaq is."I... don't even know what to say. And since I'm still recovering from a turkey-induced food coma, let's just move on.
The movie is about the fossilized remains of dinosaurs that are brought back to life by a Native American spell and urged to wreak havoc on a small town. The ravenous, animated skeletons start eating as many people as they can.Tell me that isn't 65 million times more awesome than a Craptors game.
However, because the resurrected dinosaurs are only bones, they have no digestive organs. So their human meals just drop to the ground after mastication.
Hawks-Nyets: Maurice Evans tossed one brick from Newark Penn Station and fouled twice in 7:39 for a +3 suck differential, while for New Jersey, Stephen Graham missed one shot in 4:07 and added a foul for a +2.
Sixers-Generals: Alonzo Gee celebrated his new start with Washington by a 4-second defeat of King Koopa for a Super Mario!
Bobcats-Knicks: Nazr Mohammed, Michael Jordan's starting big man of choice, had a statline so stunning (and described as "epic" here) it has to be repeated near verbatim: 4:27 on the floor, FOUR bricks, two rejections, two fouls, for a PLUS EIGHT SUCK DIFFERENTIAL. Amazingly, this only ended up being a 2:0 Voskuhl - but this made him officially Lacktator #100 on the young Association season!!!!
Pistons-Mavs: Ian Mahinmi had himself a piece of masonry in 3:06 for a +1
Rodman: "What are you doing? What are you doing? (pause) This girl is really active. (laughing and mumbling) Oh my Lord she’s going at it right now dude. Whatever, go ahead.”The interviewer sums it up well later: "This is exactly what I expected this to be." Rodman responds very well: "Life is awesome."
Interviewer: (Brief awkward pause) (laughs) "Dennis, you're a trip right now."
- Dampier is only 40 days younger than Big ZThat sound you just heard was the pained cries of Heat fans everywhere. It sounded kinda like this...
- Dampier has actually played in 76 more NBA games than Z has
- Z has been in two All-Star Games while Dampier has never been in one
- Last year's stats for the two players: Z - 7.4 ppg, 5.4 rpg, .8 bpg Dampier - 6.0 ppg, 7.3 rpg, 1.4 bpg
At one point in the third quarter things got really weird for the Heat.This description missed a few possessions here and there, but it hit the salient points. These guys are not in synch. Two Alpha Dogs and an Alpha Dog wanna be without a strong coach that can force them to get their shit together. Speaking of which...
Dwade gets a tech for arguing a call. And you could see it, He was PISSED.
A couple of possessions later, he is wide open waiting for a LBJ pass, LeBron instead looks for Ilgauzkas but his pass gets intercepted.
One possession later Ilgauskas turns the ball over and on the following possession Wade is --again-- open waiting for LeBron's Pass, again LeBron gives the ball to Ilgauskas on the elbow for a missed 18-footer.
At this point you could see it. Dwade was in FUCK THIS SHIT mode. One possession later Wade has LeBron open but he jacks up a contested 3 instead.
On the next possession LeBron takes the FUCK THIS SHIT to a whole new level and retaliates by launching three consecutive 3 pointers.
The whole sequence was kind of surreal, it was my dream come true. Watching the Heat destroy itself against a sub-par team!
The refs tried really hard but the Miami cheat sucked too bad even for their usual extra bench to be of much use. LeFraud Shames and D-Whistle are just unintelligent clowns who don't know how to play basketball -- maybe they lost out on their HGH connection? LeCrab's "goto" move is an offensive foul. He's one of the biggest front runners ever. STD Wade is hurt I guess. But if he's that off why is he playing? He looked like he didn't even care. Maybe LeBrick's winning attitude is rubbing off?Dwyane Wade, Worst Player of the Night: From TrueHoop:
And is Bosh really gonna chuck 20 footers and look like a wounded giraffe all season long? If so, that's a flagrant foul against the game of basketball. Too bad LeBron never developed a post up game, huh? Or off ball movement. Or a pullup game. Or...well, anything that doesn't involve him holding the ball for half the shot clock and sponging stats from his team.
OK, OK, I'm sorry. That wasn't very adult of me. But seriously, they had a 38-13 FT advantage. And we just clobbered them despite the fact Hibbert only played 21 minutes because of foul trouble, Collison didn't play much because of his injury, and Granger went 6-21 (played some nice D though). The Cheats had the game gift wrapped for them and they STILL wilted.
I might be enjoying this Frankstein experiment a little too much, especially if they do somehow end up turning it around. But you have to admit, this could potentially be an ALL TIME bawful story. I mean, LeBron and Wade are (supposedly) premier talents, but they just disappeared this season in their prime. They may as well have died in car crashes, as far as Stern is concerned. Well, I guess everyone will be tuning in to root for whoever they're playing, so maybe he doesn't care.
After missing one game with a sprained wrist, Dwyane Wade suffered through the worst shooting night of his career, missing 12 of 13 shots (7.7 percent) from the field and finishing with just three points.Said Erik Spoelstra: "A tough night for Dwyane. But we've been around him long enough. He always finds a way to bounce back. Getting his health is the priority, first of all. But secondly, we know that he's very introspective as a professional athlete. That's the way I want all of our guys in the locker room to be."
Not only was it the worst performance of his career, his line (1-13 from floor, 1-5 on free throws) was also one of the worst in NBA history.
Only one other player took at least 13 shots from the floor and attempted at least five free throws, and made one or fewer of each: On November 27, 1951, Max Zaslofsky of the Knicks was 1-13 from the floor and 0-5 from the line in an 83-81 loss at the Philadelphia Warriors.
Wolves-Thunder: Wayne Ellington sounded a single turnover in 7:26 for a +1 suck differential while Lazar Hayward and Kosta Koufos shared a portobello in two seconds as SUPER MARIO BROTHERS!
Magic-Spurs: Ryan Anderson took ten seconds to power up his Famicom for a Mario, matched by San Antonio's Tiago Splitter, making them Mario Brothers From Different Mothers.
Kings-Jazz: Kyrylo Fesenko found a way to forget about a field goal and a pair of boards in 14:36, by fouling four times and losing the rock once for a 5:4 Voskuhl. Gordon Hayward then cashed in his valuable Cannonball Adderley vinyl rarities collection to the tune of a cool 4.3 trillion (4:17).
Hornets-Clippers: Jason Smith sired four fouls against a board and field goal in 13:57 to buzz into Voskuhl territory with a 4:3 ratio; Pops Mensah-Bonsu had a triplet of fouls in 1:17 for a +3!